Shadowed Despair
by Sin-Envy
Summary: IvanxFletcher GSFMA crossover. In the moment of need, Ivan found love in someone who he thought would show him the best of both worlds, only to find it was a lie. Now Ivan reflects on why. PoV fic based off a Role Play.


**A/N**: _YAY Another fic! And this time, a crossover. Ducks from randomly tossed objects o.o Now now, don't be so rough. . Anyway. Cough To the fic. Ivan eccentric fanfic based on a Role Play done on a MMORPG I have been on where my character Ivan from Golden Sun happened to meet and fall in love with Fletcher from FMA. NO NO DON'T GROAN... ): You haven't even read the story yet. So keep reading. Hisses As I was saying, the fic is a crossover converted from a RP I had done months ago. This focuses on Ivan after having been ditched by Fletcher for his brother Russell (Incest. BOO HISS HISS) and the ramifications it caused him. Strong angst Fic. So if you hate emo stuff, I suggest steering clear haha._

_I don't own FMA or Golden Sun or any of the charries and crap. So don't try and sue me. ): Just remember I only love doing dramatizing fics with them. ;)_

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**_Broken dreams: _**

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Life. A whole meaning to one word. A definition of existence, and purpose. Something that has been used to describe the animation of a being, creation and partaking in a cycle of birth, and death. However, even life, it has it's darker sides. Twisted malice with secrets that even the most of benevolent succumb to. Falter and wither. Even myself. I've become one of these victims of life. I've been mercilessly forced to endure the most vile temptations just existing has left me with. And a rancid taste had been left upon my tongue. Something that I may never get rid of. Never again.

The moon is pale and it swathed my form in it's majestic light. I found this place, solitude and bided off. Where I could go to dwell in silence upon my own feelings. I don't think anyone knows of this place's existence. Yet, I don't really care right now. I just need to escape. I need to be alone. Where I can listen to my own thoughts and be with nature's own mournful calling.

Even as I sit here, my body shuddering violently, silent sobs passing my short snout, I cannot help but contemplate, 'why'? What have I done so wrong to deserve such pain and heartache? I thought I was more of a simple creature by nature. Gentle, caring... Loving. A Wind Seer whom had devoted himself to others. Gave nothing into selfish reasoning to spite others. And now, I sit walling in my own self-misery, licking my wounds. Even my Dijinn feel it. And they grieve with me. One hand, I raise it to look at the upturned palm, tracing the creases in the flesh, digits flexing to pull claws to surface. However, I cannot bring myself to puncture, I am too afraid. Something inside my mind screams for me to release myself, but another tells me to continue to fight, to hold my head up high and continue on. Yet, my strength has left me. I cannot seem to find the will to carry on.

Eyes whirl with mincing emotion and reluctantly, I let the appendage drop to caress the top of a smooth, leathery head, stroking the Dijinni sympathetically, my eyes still focused forward, towards the moon that seemed to be my only friend now. The apex of my will about all gone now. And I still question why I let myself be taken for a fool? How could I've been so blind? So stupid? So weak that I let my guard down and opened my heart, only to be left simpering upon the ground with a dagger in my back. And here I am now, despondent and wishing to die. Everything I had accomplished in life, was it all for naught? Am I so inept that I was seen as easy prey for those who walked the path of darkness for their own greedy ways? Am I really that blind? These questions that seem to come, and yield no answers. What makes me be the deserving of such mistreatment? Is life really this cruel? To those who've spent their life doing nothing but good?

Shaken sobs continue and I can feel my eyes start to sting. The affliction, the wounds are now so deep, I don't know if they will ever heal. I cannot help but feel as if a great injustice has been done to me. The very notion that my gracious and altruistic ways have been taken advantage has left more then a sour taste in my mouth. And a distaste for the very wicked ways people delve into at the expense of others, gives me even more reason to house a resentment to being a part of the race I am. I may be a hybrid of kin to many species, yet, from the acts against another's own brother, just leaves me believing that good has been lost in even the strongest of hearts.

I don't think I can ever be so trusting again. Just knowing that the same could repeat itself, I get the feeling I don't want to allow myself to be hurt again. I am frightened. I even feel abashed at myself for believing that I would've been happy. That he would treat me in ways I never had been. Even the compassion my team had for me; even Mia. Sweet Mia. I know she cared for me more then anything, even past the simplicities of friendship. Yet, I dumped her for the sultry promises of happiness and being treated like a king admiss a tower of gold. These words he spoke to me and I even disregarded my own friends and their warnings to be with him. And now look at where it'd gotten me.

A gentle mewl captivated to my ears and I can see Smog looking up questioning at me. Those icy eyes whirled with concern, and I can sense a pang of regret at making the poor creature worry. He really was my friend. Even when I thought I never had any. He had stood by my side, through every battle, every obstacle, every failed plan and supported me. And now, I am like a sniveling sack of flesh bawling against my hands now, knees pulled to chest. I can hear him calling to me, but I dare not acknowledge. Who else will I hurt in the process?

Vaguely I become unaware of another set of eyes that are now, boring deep into my back. Those crimson eyes, there was a certain comfort in them, yet, worry accented the gaze; I knew who they belonged to. But I couldn't bring myself to turn.

"Ivan..." The words came, and that deep voice hinted with concern wafted to my lowered ears. I didn't know how to speak. It was as if my tongue had become frozen to the roof of my mouth, and I was petrified where I sat. Why was I so scared? Why was I being tortured so?

"Isaac is worried about you. He said you failed to come back to Lemmuria after mentioning that you needed to take a 'walk' alone. We started to think something terrible happened when hours past and you had not returned." Of course, I had made reasons to take my absence. I didn't want my friends to see me in this weakened state. I didn't want them to see me, faltering to the mental anguish I was suffering from. I didn't want them to worry about me. Because, we still have yet to rescue Jenna and Sheba; Felix is still out there, and so was Alex. The upmost of urgencies and here I was, hiding away like a sniveling child. I've let them down. I've abandoned them to lock away that I've become so frail, I can no longer bear my weight any longer.

I sense my mind start to well with a mixture of unwanted feelings. I cannot help the way I feel. It's like a torrential storm in my mind that came crashing down and sending me into a raging sea that had began to swallow me whole. I felt as if I couldn't even save myself, "I am sorry." I intoned pitifully and a broad hand came to rest on my shoulder. Garet had been like a brother to me all this time. Ever since I left the sanctuary of Kalay, he's been there for me. Supported me. Been the voice of reason when I thought everything was being lead astray. And even helped me hone my pysenergies. Even trained my Diginn with his.

Now it seems as if I've cast everything into purgatory for my own selfish ways. Never had I been of such; it was too much to fathom that one such as myself could even be capable. That I could've been so cold and callous. So thoughtless and dispassionate. I dropped everything we had vowed to do. Together, like a family to chase my own dreams, and my own shadow. I let myself be sucked into a fabrication of lies and false dreams. Forgetting exactly who cared for me the most. And now, they are the ones tending to the wounds worse then my own.

Where have I gone wrong? What have I done so disgraceful that I've been forsaken with such a heavy burden to carry upon my shoulders until I've become so weakened that I fall from my own pseudo treacheries? Is this a life I am destined to live?

A heavily heaved sigh and I hang my head, obviously, embarrassed, "I didn't mean to worry any of you, I just..." My voice trails off as I feebly try to muster the strength that failed me to explain my actions to the drake behind me. Yet, my words seem caught in my throat, and I am desperately choking back the tears. Is this what life has in store for me? A broken man left in the wake of tragedy? Bore from a broken sentience of a seemingly happy existence within a world filled by only malice and deception. Is this where I am being lead?

"What is wrong? You seem torn with your emotions." His words come in caution, but he is only concerned for my erratic behavior. Garet had known that I was not behaving as I normally had. My personality turned darker, and I started to become more depressed. Faltering from the simplest of tasks. Losing my focus, wavering from what was important. Even in battle, my mind would wander and linger back to those events of when my life changed forever. And for the worst.

Now I feel worthless. A useless weight attached to those who are seeking the truth behind truths. I hold back, hold my friends back. And they sugar me with praise and say that it's only a part of a transition I am going through. That there is nothing to worry. There is no dead part on my own end. However, I beg to differ. How wrong they are. And how wronged I've made them.

"I don't know. I just... I cannot explain what is wrong with me. It's like... That the words are there but they fail to exit my mouth and become known. I fear what I say may also cause you and the others just harm. I don't want to feel as if I am holding you guys back any more then I have been." The pain to bring forth those sentences, just to have them ring in my own mind. It wasn't easy. And I tried to hard to hold back ever explaining the reason behind my actions. But I knew better. And Garet would pry until he found out.

"Ivan. You know you can confide in me and tell me what has been troubling you. I've taken to you like a brother, and anything that is paining your heart, I am more the open to listen." The leathery voice of the Fire Seer, it was commanding almost, beckoning me to speak, even if I didn't want to. Yet, the pressure was so great, and I really wanted to talk, but, finding the energy to form the words, it wasn't as easy as it sounded.

"There are things... I've been holding back. Things I've never told you or the others. I don't even know where to begin." I raise that hand again off the head of my precious Smog, looking mindlessly at my claws, flexing them as I allow the voices in my head try and compel me with a way of speaking what needed to be spoken. A mixture of emotions; there was trepidation harboring deep in my soul, and everything welled at once. My pulse seemed to quicken and my heart, raced. I tried to turn and face the one behind him, the Diginn at my side, he emanated a comforting churr, and my eyes closed invertianly. Oh the pain was so great. Where was I to go from, here?

"I know I haven't been completely honest with where I've been going all these months. When I would say I was going for walks, or when I'd state I was going to train my pysenergy or tone my alchemy, it's not always what I was doing." Those eyes, the tight frustration, I could feel it. Shock welled slightly in them and I knew. Knew that Garet felt something was up, and if he had any suspicious about anything I may've been doing, they were confirmed now. I felt sickly inside, "I never went to where I said I as going, but to somewhere else, to see..." I let my voice trail and suddenly became petrified, my blood felt as if it congealed and my heart skipped a few beats. I was sure that after I told him everything that had happened, Garent would be none to happy. Whether it be at me, or at the source of my misery.

It wasn't easy. Pooling the words and telling my friend all my secrets. He was angry, nonetheless, and even his voice seemed distressed. Had I invertanly caused him to suffer the feel of betrayal? Did he think I was being disloyal? I wouldn't blame him, if he did. How could I? It was I who trailed and went astray and failed my friends. I had faded from everything I had tried to become. And it was my trusting nature that lead me to where I am, now.

Even now, at this very moment, I am finding it hard. I wish I could disappear, and save Garet the stress of my own stupidity. I don't think he deserves to feel wronged that I've committed the biggest act of sin against him. But he tightens his grip on my shoulder, and his gaze to my back softens. My ears twitch admiss my short lockes, and my body shakes with the raging emotions that won't seem to stop plaguing me. I wanted to die where I sat, to just be done with it all. End my pain and enter release. But I was even a coward there. I could never find the courage to take my own life. And even then, would I just betray my friends even more? Maybe they'd blame themselves for my own death.

"I understand how you feel, Ivan. I never knew. I wish I had. Maybe I could've done something to help and have prevented you from ever having this tragic event happen to you. I feel as if it's my fault." My eyes shoot open and I wanted to scream. But my voice was empty and mouth only formed barely the words I wanted to say. There was definitely no understanding to what had happened. And there was no way to even know in order to try and prevent it. Just the thought of Garet even thinking of blaming this on himself, it made me feel even worse inside then before. There was no just cause in him thinking that way. No outward reason. I failed. I made the mistake. I was the fool for believing. And now I have to live with the consequences. I won't allow another to suffer for my idiocy. No. Never.

"No. You don't..." It was hard to put forth those very words that passed my dry mouth. Every muscle in my form tensed and I could feel anxiety well over me. Just the notion, the mere thought that anyone could basically comprehend what I've suffered over these past weeks; it's unmistakable that my solitude and reclusive behavior could be mistaken for a phase someone will just get over in a mere few days. But to say the least, the wounds run that much deeper, and the scars will be that more abundant. I don't think anyone can even begin to fathom what I've gone through, as much as I hate to say it. Even though Garet is my friend... The pain is immerserable.

I heard him sigh heavily and his hand to my shoulder tightened it's grip further. It made me wince slightly, considering that I really don't care to put him through more then he already has. The burden he and the others have; it would make me feel even worse then I have to make them endure my own weight with their own. But right now, it's hard to open myself up and explain fully the emotions that are running raggedly through my mind. At this point, even myself, I don't know what to do.

"Ivan. I may not know to the fullest extent of what has happened between you and Fletcher, but as I've stated before, you can tell me anything. That is what I am here for, to offer you my friendship and comfort in this hard time. I wouldn't feel much like one if I didn't, try." That twinge of anxiety, the feeling of wanting to flee, disappear, to just curl up into a ball and die, they were running tenaciously over me, and at the worst point, now. Pinions lowered lax to my shoulder blades, the plumes weak and lifeless, faltering below, touching the ground around me as my own shoulders slouched, feeling tension and apprehension rise even more rigorously then before, and I felt the acid uplift in my throat, reaching the back of my mouth, inflicting the urge to vomit. My stomach churrned with unwanted sensations, nerves were wracked and my skin felt like crawling. Just the mention of his name; despite my benevolence, just hearing those letters placed into a name forever etched into my mind, haunting, pervading, leaving me simpering with the unjust notion of how I was used and abused.

Left broken and pushed aside for someone even more audacious and peremptory then one can imagine. And the simple fact is, the relationship is infatuated. True what they say when some people, 'keep it in the family'. Appalling I find it. Another reason for my complete distaste and unforgiving nature in the one I thought loved me. I guess I really am supposed to remain, solitary.

"It's not as easy as you think it is, Garet, to explain exactly how I feel right now. The pain runs deep. And I am having a hard enough time contending, myself." Of course I cannot contend alone. It's something that has been left to weigh heavily upon me, to leave the memory and make sure I never forget. I cannot even sleep at night without the nightmare repeating itself. Over and over. Like a vicious cycle failing to break. And I've been caught admiss the vortex that swallowed me whole. I want to seek help. I want to beg for it to stop. For someone to steal my pain away and leave me unscathed, but such isn't going to happen. It just isn't in my prophecy. "But. Still. If you don't give me the chance, how can we even conclude that myself, or anyone else for that matter, cannot help you? Isn't life about chance?"

Chance? Isn't that what I've been doing all my life? Taking unnecessary chances with my life? All the risks, all the possibilities that every result could come out even worse then the last? Living my life on the edge of a razor, isn't this how I've been all along? Just teetering with breath held as I could just have fallen. Not something I'd endeavor as the perfect way to live. Not a path I'd like to continue to take.

Yet, I've fallen. I've become broken. Everything I've worked so hard for, yanked away from me in the blink of an eye. And I sit here to wallow in my own self pity and misery. Just a shell of a man with nothing to show. Nothing to gain. It's what I get for being who I am.

"You just... You just don't understand." I can feel my body going numb. And everything seems to stop a moment. The pain almost too intense for me to bear. Like a rose caught in a torrential storm and no way out. My breath catches and I struggle to expel it, the sharp sensations to my lungs; it's getting so much harder to deal. "It's not that. It's become so much more. Much more then one can possibly understand. It just... The wound that has been inflicted upon me, Garet, runs so deep."

Yes. Deep. A gaping hole that's been left in my heart. And the very person who carved it there, remains without any sort of remorse or conscious. I see it now. Realize it now for what it is. And thus, I've become stronger, and weaker at the same time. I've lost all will to ever try again. To ever trust again. I will never look at another the same way. Or ever let anyone so close. However, I've learned a valuable lesson. And in light of such events, I've become a better person, yet I am about to shatter. Like a glass mirror falling onto the merciless ground.

"Ivan..." I hear him whisper softly now, that draconic hand clutching tighter to my shoulder. "I never knew the full extent of how deep it really ran. You never really told us much of the details that happened between you and Fletcher. Everything was so vague. I am so sorry. I really wish I could make everything easier for you. But I am sure in time, it will. You just have to try and be strong."

Strong. How can I be? I've been lead astray. Taken advantage of. Tossed aside like a mere rag doll. And my outlook on things has changed so dramatically. It's not so simple a thing to do. I've lost all my faith and will. My ability to carry on. How can I have any reliance when everything I had such in has become tainted or ripped away from me? This is supposed to enhance my confidence? Make me feel better about everything that happened? No. I can't and won't. Nothing can make me go back or risk another wound to my already battered heart. I cannot handle another.

Everything laxes and I can barely contain the tears anymore as the dam releases salty water past my lids. It stings, the burning sensation it leaves behind, such a harsh memory. My shoulder sags and everything around me seems to fade as the agony and tribulation starts to overtake me. My heart clentches, time seems to stop for a breath's moment and all I can hear are those words. The final ones that tore my whole world apart. Those notes that seemed to house a apathetic and dispassionate mood. A hatred among benevolence where I became the victim to it's clutches. This is what I've become. Swallowed whole by the storm, and I am drowning.

"But then... Why does it hurt so much!" Sobs wrack my body and a mountain of the grievance crashed upon me, ravaging my mind with the worst kind of feelings. Most, unwanted. Most...

"Because everything you confided in, everything you gave, your heart and soul. Your devotedness, your entire being. Opened up and trusted. This you gave to him and when he threw that all away for someone who could never surely treat him or express those same emotions to him as you have, is what has caused you this melancholy in the first place."I was nothing but good. And loyal. Aside what everyone tried to tell me; all the voices. All the advice. I neglected it all to follow my own heart and all it did was lead me to the darkest aspects of humanity. Those dirty and filthy secrets. Deception and betrayal. This is how I've ended up paying. My dues given and now I am left strewn and crippled, a severe affliction to my entire being, my soul. The consequence of trust. For being so bold and to allow someone so close when I should hold more scrutiny. No. I was just a idiot and was lead carefully and blindly by a leash. I was the pawn of someone else's carefully planned game, and the end result? I am left to suffer my wounds alone. To whimper and cower in the darkness as I am consumed by the miserable and pathetic grievances that now plague me, haunt me. A ghost that has never left my mind ever since that dreadful day. Is this how it will end?

I wish it had, long ago. I was never strong. Never able to save myself from the worst of threats. And yet again, I've faltered and haplessly, been battered and abused. Left to die in my own voidless sleep. It's something that has always been. Something that's never changed. Every time I got into trouble, someone else had to bail me out. And once again, such has happened. Like a weak, pathetic child. I've let everyone down, even myself. I should've died long ago at Jupiter Lighthouse when Santuros and Menadri attacked. Everyone would've been better off. And I never would have to experienced this unfortunate tragedy.

I am a product of something akin to being lost. Never able to find my way again. Even during those moments of danger and desperation, when the heat of battle was intense and upon us, I couldn't even hold my own weight. I was the impuissant link in the chain, and I nearly cost everyone their lives in the process. Even when the final attack depended on me, I nearly broke and gave everyone the ultimate sacrifice. Just because I wasn't strong enough. I guess in honesty, I never really was.

There is something inside myself that just screams for eternal release. To be free of the bounds that tie me to this accursed world and let me live in a scar-free place where there is no agony or suffering. Where I can escape my wounds and live in peace. But such hasn't happened. And I live in constant fear. I don't want to drag the others down. There is still so much that has to be done. So much that needs to be found. A goal we all pledged to achieve, and if I am weighing them down, how will those that need us the most, be able to depend on us if all that I do is hold them back? It's something I cannot bring myself to do.

"I thought he was the best thing to've ever happened to me. I gave my all, Garet. I really did. Just like all those times in battles, when my courage and wisdom was needed, I thought I had put forth everything that was required of me to be the most worthy of mates, and now, I am left behind like a tattered rag doll. Where did I go wrong? Where?"

I feel all loss come to my body as it crumples. This was it. Everything was coming full circle and I could no longer even keep my clutches to what little bit of strength and pride I had left. Tears gush forth, spilling from my welded eyes, dejection becoming the only emotion now able to be outwardly seen. Poor Garet. What must be going through his mind as he watches me fall to pieces before him. The malaise of being unable to do a damned thing. To sit back and watch everything unfold around him, helpless.

All of this because of me. Because of my blatant stupidity. Because I am too blind by promises and temptation. Where will it end? Will it ever?

"You was. But he was the fool not to realize it. He gave into his own selfishness, his brother's edacious wishes and you were the one to suffer as an end result. I can't say I will ever forgive myself. What they both have done to you was a great injustice. Something that is entirely unbending. I know, myself, this is how I truly feel."

He is right you know? At least, mentally, I can agree there. The act was unappeasable. I was treated unfairly. Without concern or consideration to just how I may've felt. It was as if, everything would be okay. I would just graciously accept it and go on like nothing ever happened. However, nothing could be further from the truth. What he did to me was far worse then any sin I can think of. It was a sin. And in all it's incohesive glory. Someone as avarice as that, doesn't deserve my amnesty. Won't be rewarded with the fruits of praise for causing pain and suffering to someone who was just an innocence. Someone who was caring, loving and pure. One of the most righteous, chivalrous, commendable beings out there. Such shouldn't go, unpunished.

"I've been put into purgatory because of it. I've been left to deal with the weight all my own. And I don't know how to do it, anymore. It's become too much even for myself." I am at the point of not knowing what to do. I want revenge. I want karma. Blood. But it goes against everything that is who I am. I cannot so easily change that fact and become a brutal monster just to curb my lust for retribution. Such would be blasphemy. A violation of everything I've devoted to being. Still. I cannot help that I feel a pang of disgust and oppugnation for what he had done. And just for the reasoning alone that it was committed basically to unwarranted lust. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It's not even about love. It's about greed. And I've been the victim of pure hatred and appetency. Destruction left in the wake of carnal desires in the minds of something only considered, primal. They've too, been left astray. Just like myself. And I can only hope that they are not left without it's ramifications.

It's hard to hear myself spill forth those words, but even as I cry and release all my tension and pensive feelings, the want to see retribution paid, still runs deep.

That hand intensifies; he knows the pain is too real and so much that time cannot erase. The events are forever burnt into both our minds now. And we will have to live with this day for eternity and beyond. Arms come to encirle me and my body shivers. The racking sobs just won't stop. Even as I contemplate. Even as I dwell. Yet, there is a slight feel of comfort in those arms as they hold me. Wanting so bad to take away all my fears and to mend my wounds and remove my scars. But one can only hope. Just hope. "Ivan. You've never been alone. You don't have to feel like no one cares. Because, you still got us. No matter how you feel. We will always be your friends. Nothing will ever change that. And together, all of us, will help you over-come this. I swear."

But how? How will I ever manage to climb over this obstacle? To claw my way out of the hole I've become buried so deep into. Where to begin, I couldn't even tell. The way just doesn't seem to be... There. Even with the vow that my friends will back me, push me, I am clueless as to how to even find the right places to start. I am... I am so frightened. So scared that I may never survive this and become completely lost.

"But how? I don't even know where to start. How to go about it. I am so tired. So burnt. Weary and cautious. I am skeptical of everything. And judging. Such a change has effected me. And not for the better." The wind started to blow, at a much colder temperature and my hackles rise, shifting uncomfortably on that hard, virulent rock. The jagged edges started to burrow against my flesh and I wince harshly, body wracked so bad with raging, mixed feelings, it's amazing I had not suffered death as a result. I can't choke back the tears or the anguish anymore. I got no ability and it just continues in waves while Garet holds me. Holds me so close. Why do I feel a sense of comfort in those arms? Like even admiss the inundation that has collapsed upon me, I feel a sliver of safety in him. As if, I can release some of my apprehension and live again. But, the very notion is still a long distance away from achieving.

"The bridge will be crossed when we come to it. For now, you have to believe in me. In your friends and let us help you. The path cannot be traveled, alone." Those inviting arms pull away and cold rushes over me fiercely again. I clutch to myself, seeking sanctuary, only to have clawed fingers touch my hand, begging me open my eyes and face the world. And with reluctance, I answer the request to envision a hand upturned and held before me.

My gaze lifts upwards, blinking my eyes from the burning, stinging tears that flowed freely from the corners, staining my flushed cheeks with their remnants. A beaming, confident smile of compassion and caring was shining down on me, those draconic eyes, soft and alight with positive emotions, focused intently on my own. I try so hard, force myself to rise my own hand to rest into his. And even as I do so, something calls out to me, tells me to let go of my stricken despair, to hold my head up and take that hand without any fear or regret. To see that there is a better side to every fall, and that confidence to starting to heal is the first step to recovery. But, I am still finding it hard to bring myself to do it, even as that smile broadens with much more encouragement upon those draconic lips. Something keeps pushing me forward. And without noticing, I find myself standing face to face with the person who I will later, recognize as the ultimate change in my life. Something that will've brought me back to the light from the darkness that held so tight onto me.

Maybe this is a new beginning. A first step to finding that small patch of happiness admiss all the misery and sorrow that plagues so many hearts, that takes over so many lives and leaves them broken and tattered. Shadows of their former selves, and with a shelless hope of ever being elated, and sensing a feel or worth in the world. We all have a purpose, even if our intentions are not honest or pure. There is still a reason.

I just need to find my own. Seek out my worth and place. And hopefully, just hopefully, I will be able to heal these deep, embedded wounds. Able to take away the scars and move forward. That I can find some peace and repose admiss the chaos that has plagued me so bad. That I can actually... Find my self-worth and place and be able to live, once again.

"Lets go home." My eyes meet Garet's crimson ones once again as I gaze up. Disheveled lockes plaster against my sweaty and haggard face. Single beads of water fell for the last time as the dam started to dry, blocking off my sorrow once more. I let the tension go and my muscles start to relax; everything was still slightly frightening. It was all new to me, and letting go would be hard enough still. But. Learning to live again and move forward, to walk down those tiredly treaded pathways to reach a goal that seems bleak is no easy task. But I am starting to see things in a different light now. Or maybe I'm just delusional. Either way, I cannot continue to dwell on this travesty I've let myself become soiled with. To do such would not only be a great injustice to myself, but I'd be letting the greatest crime be committed, and I'd be losing. And allowing myself to continue being the victim. It's time to heal. I see it now. Only the journey there will be the hardest. At least... I am not alone.

Just... I hope I can learn to trust again. Even in light of these most tragic of events. Being jaded... It's not something I want to be. And maybe, just maybe... One day, I can even learn to forgive.

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Comments? HUH HUH? I'd love you for it! Only, if you try and flame me, you will get a severe beating and total disregard, because there is no necessity to be rude. Eyes people Yeah. Yeah you. So be considerate when leaving a comment. n.n;; Thanks.


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